This was my favorite thing to do at the playground, aka hospital, last Monday as I went in for a scheduled induction to have the little one, now known as Christopher. Yes, it was just another day at the park. I've been through this enough times, you'd think it would just be a simple stroll, but as many of you know, I don't sit still for long, and the excitement of a teeter-totter was quite appealing. I played on this thing all morning!
I pushed up and rushed down. I'd fly up into the air, and feel my stomach in my throat as I came back down. I'd use all my strength to push back up and stay on top with the thoughts of, "I can do this." Then crash back down with, "No I can't." To top it off, I had a straight forward doctor who simply told me, "It's multiple choice:
A. We can do this
B. You can go home
C. None of the above is NOT an option"
Darn, I was so close to picking C.
One would think I would jump off this teeter-totter, but evidently I was having too much fun. I think my husband was tired of watching me, God Bless him for supporting me in this endeavor.
As I continued to play, I tried so hard to stay on top, but no matter how hard I tried, I always rushed back down. You see, the teeter-totter is a 2 person ride. Someone else was on it with me; Someone much stronger and heavier than I, controlling when I could be up and down. When I discovered this, I began to let go a bit and enjoy the ride.
I stayed on that teeter-totter, now waffling between thoughts of epidural/no epidural. I wanted so much to be strong and endure what was to come, yet I was so weak. Just the week before, I was in for pre-admission, and told the nurse I won't be needing to sign the anesthesia papers because I wouldn't be getting an epidural. I hadn't truly had one since my oldest, and decided I wouldn't do it again. It seems a bigger lesson was in store for me this day. As the time drew closer, I remembered something I had just been told a few days before I went in, "just be happy God invented drugs." I laughed and thought, "Yes, I shall give up pain, that would be a good sacrifice for me." Do you notice the prideful theme here? I was on top - I was too good for an epidural.
As time went on, I asked for the anesthesiologist. The whole "God invented drugs" kept ringing in my ears. I was at peace with this decision, I was looking forward to the more "relaxed" birth. However, as the nurse and doctor left after the epidural was in place, I rushed back down bumping the ground with the teeter-totter. It hurt. It hurt my pride. I couldn't believe I just went through with it. Was this really what God wanted of me?
I believe it was. He was stronger, He pushed to the top, and as I cried at the submission of my will, He took control. The humility He was teaching me was more important than my efforts to show my strength. I learned about humility in the excitement of a ride at the park, "True joy in the ride comes as we let go and are plummeted down."
The greatest blessing that July 20 afternoon
9lbs 1.6 oz. 22.5 " long
All for the Glory of God.